This PHI (protected health information) thing is getting out of hand. In case you have been a Tom Hanks Castaway, PHI is part of HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability & Accountability Act) that medical providers must now follow.

The good news is, now everyone in the doc’s waiting room doesn’t have to know you have a sexually transmitted disease.

The bad news is, my job just became more difficult.

Some have even suggested the typical “office shower” (not that kind) is now taboo. If you want to tell someone you are pregnant, OK. But putting that information in a memo in the break room, or having some kid in a stork outfit surprise you at work one day is PHI and not to be shared.

So what has my shorts in a wad?

Last week I was following up on an application that was taking too long in underwriting. Anything more than 48 hours is too long for my purposes.

The online status wasn’t helpful. All I knew is the process was on hold pending an APS (attending physicians statement).

Don’t you just love the lingo we have? Where would the world be without acronyms?

So I call the hotline and spend a few minutes on hold listening to Barry Manilow music. Finally some kid comes on the line asking how he can help.

You can help by replacing Barry Manilow with Iron Butterfly or Steppenwolf.

Of course he had no idea who these folks are so I moved on.

All I needed to know was which doc was the “P” in the APS. Simple enough request. I just wanted to speed things along.

The kid says “I can’t tell you.”

Why not?

“It’s PHI.”

You do realize I have the application in front of me, complete with a medical history and a list of all the docs this person has seen since they were first spanked, right?

“Yes, but I can’t tell you which doc.”

“But if you were to guess which one I could tell you if you are right.”

Now what kind of silly rule is this? They can’t tell me but if I guess correctly I get to move on to the next step.

This has got to be one of the dumbest interpretations of PHI I have encountered so far.

On a related note, I got an email from our neighborhood gossip. Said something about a lady who lives on our street who just had a baby. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. Just thought she was “big for her age.”

Guess I need to tell Ms. Nosey Neighbor she just violated someone’s HIPAA rights by giving out PHI. Maybe then she will take down that stupid cut-out stork from the front yard.